A Little of Life

Life feels very calm and peaceful right now. I enjoy the every day keeping of my home. The more I clean it and take care of it, the more I love it. I have been slowly adding things to my home and I love how it is all coming together. I bought this comforter for our bed as I hadn't bought a bed set for our bedroom in 9 years. Fresh sheets and a new bedspread make the room feel wonderful. I smile every morning when I make our bed and it feels absolutely luxurious to spend a little money on things that aren't necessities. I have been enjoying "nesting" in this new place and updating things that have taken a backseat for years.

I enjoy mowing our lawn once a week and taking care of our yard. The upkeep of the place keeps me busy and I find that I am never bored. A time or two a week we get together with friends and then there are plenty of projects to do, places to go, and of course, church on the weekends. Our weeks and days are full in the most slow, fulfilling way. We are all enjoying reconnecting here with our friends and meeting new ones.

Life feels pretty idyllic right now. The outward calm belies the waves of emotion crashing just below the surface. Their intensity is sometimes jolting to me during an otherwise calm and normal day. They are an unpleasant reminder of the unsettling upending of our life earlier this year and the wounds of a friendship lost. Some days the replay of what happened just about drives me up the wall as I wrestle with the "why" of betrayal by someone we trusted so deeply. This has rocked me to my core and I have realized that there is no making sense of the senseless. I don't know why things happened the way they did, and I am beginning to be ok with that. You can read more here and here if you are new and don't know what I'm talking about.

I am learning to sit with both the wonderful and heartbreaking parts of life simultaneously. The grief and the joy. The new life and dreams, and the broken promises and plans of the past. This whole experience has deepened my trust in the Lord as I have watched His incredible blessing and provision on our lives through one of the hardest things we've had to go through. I have struggled with not keeping people at arms length but pushing myself to be vulnerable and invest in people even with a raw and aching heart that sometimes wonders if I will ever trust to that depth again. I know that healing will come. I know that what my heart needs is connection and friendship even when I feel like pulling back into my shell and not letting anyone close to me.

Just in the few short months that we have been here, I can already feel so much growth and healing. I think because life is truly wonderful right now, I feel an internal struggle against letting myself grieve and work through everything that happened because it feels a bit ungrateful for all that we have here. I do not want to portray life as glowingly wonderful (even though it is) without acknowledging the pain that is still in my heart, and I don't want to wallow in my sadness and miss the beauty of this season right in front of me.

I am redefining my priorities and discovering who I am again during this season which is both the good and hard of going through something that shakes you to your core. It is an unexpected gift of being shaken even though it feels unsettling at the time. I like absolutes and having things figured out. I like the same routines and stability. But being shaken gives way for things to be reevaluated again and for you to see if your priorities line up with your life now.

So I'm giving myself a lot of grace right now. I'm spending extra time with the children playing games. We have been even more intentional about family time. I've not spent as much time cooking and baking and we have eaten lots of grilled or crockpot dinners. I've kept easy snacks in the house more than normal and spent less time in the kitchen. I've set aside money for unnecessary items that just bring my heart so much joy. We've done more crafts. We bought a swing for the yard and a sand box. We've taken the kids swimming and kayaking. I've started weekly grocery shopping because at this point I can't seem to plan for longer than that and I have enjoyed the routine it brings to my week. I have found doing simple things like that seem to help so much right now with establishing stability. I started tracking my water intake and making sure we all get enough sleep. I've used most of my personal money to buy little things for the house and I'm slowly adding things that I've wanted to for a long time. It just thrills my heart!

I have been doing simple little projects around the house and this was one of them. I am not done with it but I bought a 6 cube organizer and put legs on it and turned it into a coffee bar. I will eventually put doors on it and I'll show you the finished product but I just love this little area and it was so nice to get everything off the counters!

So that's a bit of how life has been. I've tried to write this post multiple times but my mind feels kind of scattered right now and it never turned out right. I decided I would just write what is on my heart and mind right now and be ok with it feeling a bit all over the place. I don't feel as inspired or creative or helpful in my writing and it's hard to capture life when I'm still figuring out what life is here. I never saw us living in this area again (although I'm elated about it) and so I'm still grappling with the sudden change in plans and direction. It's hard to explain that. Soooo, life is wonderful ..... and complicated. But we are doing so well. The children are flourishing and enjoying having so many wonderful friends around. I'm loving being with some of the sweetest women and feeling like my heart is safe and cared for with them. My husband is so happy to be back in his field and has been enjoying his job. We are taking everything one day at a time and enjoying more than ever the simple things in life and making a point to live each day to the fullest. We only have right now. Let's enjoy it. Let's make memories right now. Let's live the life in front of us and find joy in the simple pleasures of life. I know that's what I'm doing and I hope you are, too.