The future that seemed so certain last month looks very uncertain this month. Our work, our home, even our location is all up in the air. I am not one that does very good with change and to be facing change again after thinking we were all settled feels like a shock to my system. My mind is spinning and runs away with every possible scenario. I have to take every thought captive and focus on what I can do, instead of all the things I can't change.
"It does not so much matter what happens. It is what one does when it happens that really counts." - Laura Ingalls Wilder
I have been mulling over this quote lately. I have been pondering how we react and what we do when plans get changed, the rug gets pulled out from under us, a tragedy happens, relationships are strained, or we are faced with how little control we actually have over things. It's not when or if these things happen, it's what we do when they happen that is important.
This week I also got the sweetest letter from one of you and at the end of the letter were some scripture verses. They are ones that I know by heart but have been rereading a lot these days. It was a pertinent reminder this week. Proverbs 31:25-28 says, "Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness." I can't say I laugh at the time to come yet, but I'm learning to. I'm learning that I can have no fear of the future, not because I'm prepared, but because I am so secure in His love and care for me. Because He sees what the future holds and He will walk with me through it. Because He sees my heart and needs and wants, and is a good Father.
In the end of 2019 when my husband sensed the Lord was bringing us back to Montana, it didn't make sense. We had a house we were fixing up that we only owed $20,000 left on. We had both sets of parents within a mile of our house. My husband managed a farm and retreat center 2 miles up the road. Cost of living was low. We had wonderful friends. It made no sense. We trusted what we felt God was leading us to do, even when our families were not very supportive of the decision. I cried many tears and prayed many prayers over the months leading up to our move. Everything had worked out and the Lord opened doors for a temporary one year job that came with housing. Still, I struggled. I didn't want to move again. I didn't want to leave our families. I knew what it was like to live far away and I had enjoyed having family around the last few years. It didn't make sense to make that huge move for a job that was temporary. What would we do after that? I worried and cried, and wondered and finally surrendered. What I didn't know (and what God did) was that when Covid hit, we would be out of a job in WV. We were in the Philippines on a short term mission trip when everything shut down. My husband's work continued paying us during our time there (6 weeks total because we couldn't get home) but made the decision to close the place for good and let everyone go. When we came home, we simply had to pack the last few items up and 3 weeks later were on the way to Montana, just like we had planned although slightly delayed due to our longer stay in the Philippines. I remember the relief and joy I felt knowing that God had gone before us and had been aware that we would need another job before we even knew to ask Him for one. Instead of it being a major setback for us, we simply left one place and stepped into another.
Now we stand at another crossroads. We had been hoping to buy the property that we have been living on that is currently included in my husband's salary. The opportunity came up to buy it towards the end of last year and we were very excited about the prospect. My husband was planning on putting a meat packing facility on the land next door and hoping to have it ready to open in time for us to transition from his current job once his one year commitment was up. In case you are curious, he is currently managing a hotel for a friend but his heart is in agriculture. He grew up on a farm and although he has many skills in construction, retail, meat processing, and many other things, his main work experience, training, and schooling are for agri-business. The job he is currently working was never a long term thing, and we have been hoping we could open our own business and be self employed. However, that is not looking very hopeful at this point and the owner of the properties has changed the terms of the deal a couple times and is not upholding his end of the contract. We were set to close the end of January on the house but it has kept getting pushed back. At this point, we are leaning towards backing out of the deal as it is now different than what we originally agreed to. Our plans that looked so perfectly laid all crumbled within a few days. I've been reeling and confused. But peace - I have this perfect peace that doesn't make any sense at all because I know that the God who foresaw everything last year and all our needs before we even knew them ourself, He saw all this, too.