I mentioned in my last blog post that I knew I had to find out sooner or later whether my phone was controlling me or if I was controlling it. I had done enough research and had enough information that it was to the point that I had to do something with the knowledge I had. I was thinking more and more about ditching my smartphone and the very fact that it scared me so bad propelled me forward. I knew it was something I had to do. I was irritated by my usage and irritated that the simple thought of going without this little block of technology scared me. I scoured the internet for articles and personal experiences. I found very few although there are definitely more than there used to be. It seems there is a marked uptick in both interest and experimentation with whether smartphones are really benefiting us and adding value to our lives. I found one disappointing but common theme throughout most of my online research and that was that while they acknowledged and even educated on some of the devastating effects of the overuse of smartphones and the correlation with hard drugs, most simply gave generic and unhelpful tips of how to control usage and effects in your life. I already knew those didn't work from my own experience, and anyone I talked to in real life or online that was willing to be honest admitted the same thing.
I read everything I could get my hands on and did a lot of soul-searching and asked myself some hard questions. I thought about it in depth, prayed a lot, and discussed it with my husband. In my research I stumbled upon a book by Brad Huddleston called Digital Cocaine. I liked that it was written from a Christian perspective as I've found very little on this subject written by Christians who actually take this seriously. I could only find it from his website and it cost $20 with $9 shipping. I wouldn't normally spend that on a book but I was desperate for some solid information and answers from a credible source that I could depend on. It arrived quickly and I devoured the entire book in less than 48 hours. It was eye opening and convicting. My heart was ripe and I had earnest questions before the Lord. He used that book to answer those ponderings that had long been in my heart. I saw that my view of my phone had crossed the line into sin. I had emotionally put it on the same level as people. My affection and "care" for my phone had equalled that of living, breathing humans. I also realized that I had allowed myself to be brought under the power of something else. I was no longer in the driver seat. Just as Paul says in 1 Corinthians 6:12, "All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any." I realized with shuddering horror that I had been brought under the power of something other than Jesus. It was clear as day in that moment and hit me like a ton of bricks.
I repented to the Lord for allowing this idol in my life and for allowing myself to be brought under the power of my smartphone. I asked my husband to forgive me and I sat my children down and explained in understandable terms what was going on and asked them to forgive me for my phone usage and distraction. Each family member was quick to issue forgiveness and hugs and kisses. My turning point was immediate. I had already ordered a basic phone before this book had arrived but it hadn't shipped yet and I was ready to walk out my repentance immediately. I took my phone and charger out of my bedroom and put it in another room. I left it on the charger all day and night and didn't carry it around with me. I checked it twice a day to see if I had any missed calls or texts. After checking it, it immediately went back on the charger (which was in the basement) while I went about my day. I even intentionally left it at home on Sunday when we went to church. It was HARD! I constantly thought of things I wanted to look up or a text I wanted to send to someone or a picture I wanted to capture of one of the children or something I was doing. I had to work very hard to mentally walk myself through each scenario as it happened and write things down on a piece of paper that I wanted to look up online later when I got on the laptop at an appointed time. My phone usage went from an average of 2-4 hours a day (mostly early morning and late night usage) to 12 minutes a day in that week that I waited for my other phone to arrive.
I had taken notes of what caused my failure the last time I gave up my smartphone and went into it this time with a better plan and idea of what to expect. My family was also on board and supporting me. I knew what to expect in terms of withdrawal as well as what my most common roadblocks were going to be. I knew I needed to get a watch so that I wasn't carrying around my phone in order to know the time. I bought a wristwatch and also a clock for the living room wall. I got out an old alarm clock that hadn't been used in years for our wake up calls instead of using a phone alarm. Another roadblock is that most of us take all of our pictures with our phones. I researched and ordered a very basic, cheap camera to get me by for now. Even though I felt much more prepared this time and felt I had addressed the heart issue and not just the outward symptoms, I still didn't know if this would be a longterm decision so I didn't want to plunk down a whole lot of money for different items. I purchased things that would get the job done but I wouldn't feel terrible about the money I spent if I ended up backing out of this experiment. I also purchased these items out of my own personal money I had saved so I didn't feel bad about taking it out of the family budget and it would have more personal "cost." Another thing for me was that I read a lot on my phone as I love reading and learning. I ordered a few books on ThriftBooks that I had been wanting to read but never seemed to have the time so that I could still read and learn, just in a different way than I had been.
The first week had gone so well and I was very encouraged by my smartphone usage, or rather the lack thereof. I began to think that maybe I really didn't need to ditch my smartphone after all. Maybe repentance and continued building of self control was all that had been needed. However, my basic phone was already on its way by this point and it's a good thing it was or I may not have followed through. I have found that it is hard to push through and hold yourself accountable when no one else around you thinks there is a problem with what you are doing or sees the need for this new change. It's not like alcohol or drugs where societally we recognize the signs of addiction and abuse and can offer support and resources. Most people look at you with a blank, uncomprehending stare when talking about the effects of social media and smartphones and if they do recognize there is a problem, most simply think that all that is needed is just more self control. I don't think that anyone around me would think anything was wrong with my phone habits. I didn't check it when friends were around and I gave them my full attention. I didn't take it out of my purse at all at church. I didn't take it into the school room with me while I was doing lessons with the children. I didn't play games on it and the most I ever had was 10 apps on my homescreen. Most of my usage was in the mornings and evenings and then small amounts of time throughout the day.
I wanted to have a phone simply be a phone and be able to keep it in a central place in the house where I could hear it ring (I couldn't hear it when it was in the basement) and yet not constantly beckoning me. This was the biggest downfall with keeping my smartphone in a removed place and one of the main reasons that the advice of just "keeping it in the other room or away from you" never worked long term for me other times I tried it. The longer my experiment went the happier I was that I had a basic phone on the way. It arrived the same day my camera and watch did. I opened the box and took out the little lightweight, completely unglamorous, black phone. I took the SIM card out of my iPhone and put it into the Nokia. When I put the phone back together and turned it on to see if everything worked, this deep sadness washed over me completely unexpectedly. I felt like a part of me kind of died. Like I had lost my membership to the "in" group. As if a very large part of my life was suddenly gone. I was surprised by the strength of these emotions as well as disturbed by them. I was very glad in that moment that I had pushed on with this experiment and gone ahead with switching phones in spite of telling myself that it probably wasn't necessary. It showed just how attached I still was to my smartphone despite my recent success at curbing my usage. I think I expected to feel some huge relief or there to be loud bells and whistles sound and confetti to fall from the sky when I switched phones but it was very anticlimactic and the only thing I felt was the lingering sadness that had come rushing in with such force. It was simply a phone, one that held no flashy attraction, which was exactly the reason I had gotten it. I put it on the charger and walked away. The deed was done. Now it was time to see if I could really hack it.
