Ever since I was a little girl, I have dreamed of being a wife and mother. I would run my home with care and efficiency. It would be orderly, warm, and full of love, creativity, and laughter. I dreamed of having a small farm with chickens and a milk cow, pigs and a horse, both vegetable and herb gardens. We would have oil lamps and candles and a wood stove for warmth and atmosphere. Everything would be both pretty and practical.
Then I got married and was shocked to find that none of it came naturally to me. My meals often flopped, I was a poor household manager, I knew nothing of growing a garden or preserving food, and grocery shopping and finances were incredibly overwhelming. My dishes piled up and despite my best intentions our bed was, more often than not, unmade. We had job changes and moves. Our apartments were stark and cold and nothing like the picture I'd had growing up of a warm log cabin. The reality of life had smacked me hard in the face, and real life was nothing like my dreams. In real life I struggled to wake up in the mornings, my days had no rhythm to them, and I had no idea how to run my household. I was failing at my dearest dream.
If I could go back and give my newlywed self a chat, oh, the things I would say to her! I wish I could fix a pot of coffee, make some cookies, light some candles and sit down for a heart to heart. I'd take her hand and listen to her fears and frustrations, wipe her tears and then gently and firmly tell her the things she so desperately needed to hear.
I'd tell her that these things take time. That building a home and marriage is a lifelong journey. I'd tell her that faithfulness will pay immense dividends. That the little things are the most important - so make the bed each morning and wash the dishes after each meal. I'd say that it takes awhile to learn and live with the seasons but it gets easier. Pretty soon you understand the tasks that must be done to prepare for each season as it comes and the work and enjoyment that also comes with each one. I'd tell her to just start. Just sweep the floor instead of dreading it. Just cook something instead of letting overwhelm keep you from starting. I'd tell her to stick with basic, old fashioned meals. I'd assure her that they were more than sufficient and that simplicity is always the best policy. I'd tell her that dreams become vision and vision becomes reality one day at a time. So be faithful, consistent, and focus on each step as it comes. I'd encourage her to read books and be teachable. To seek out community and older women. I'd tell her that it's ok to not know everything - in fact, she won't ever! Invest in knowledge and skills. The more practice and skills you have, the better your quality of life will be.
As it was, it took years before I would learn these things and they would be hard won lessons when I did learn them. They would be the product of many failures, much searching, days of desperation, and a few women placed in my life at strategic times. They would be the result of fighting hard to figure out how to combine girlhood dreams with reality and learning how to catch the essence of what I longed for even while the physical home and life looked different from what I had imagined. I began learning (and keep learning) that happiness is a choice we make that is not based on external things, that I can make a home anywhere and in any dwelling, that the fruit I wished to see in my life took cultivation and intention, and that the vision in my heart was the culmination of many years of growth and persistence - not the automatic result of acquiring the title of homemaker.
I think of times past where your skills and creativity determined how well you and your family lived. I think of how, as your skills over time increased - so did the quality of life. A woman's sewing skills determined how well her family was dressed. How well she grew a garden and managed her food stuffs determined how well they ate. As she grew in her management abilities her home flourished. The bread that burned in her newlywed years turned into big, golden loaves that came easily in later years. I also think the same principle applies today even though there are some differences. Our households still take careful planning and managing. There is still a learning curve as we grow in our abilities and creativity even if we don't have to sew every article of clothing or exclusively grow all our own food anymore.
I think often of Ma Ingalls and her ingenuity. I think how much more difficult their lives and memories could have been without her pluck and creativity. I think of how she often made good things from impossible situations. I think of her calmness, her faith, her grit and determination all wrapped in a gentle and quiet spirit.
I think of all the women who have faced loss and hard times with that same grit before and since Ma Ingalls. I have recently been pouring over stories from the Great Depression in the book We Survived - And Thrived. You can buy used copies from ThriftBooks for a few dollars. There are so many stories in there of mothers using incredible creativity to make holidays or birthdays special, or simply making the every day struggle for existence more bearable. They baked little treats or thought up new games to play. They were full of ingenuity and spunk.
It is the picture of these type of women that I keep tucked into my heart. It is what keeps me learning new skills and working every day towards a more efficiently run home. It's what makes me pause and make special moments out of ordinary days. It is what keeps me striving to be a good financial steward and to make the best use of the money my husband works so hard for. It is the reminder that faith in God, our own pluckiness and grit, our skills and knowledge, good attitudes and gentle spirits are the only things that cannot be taken from us. Loss and tragedy can strike at any moment. We could lose a job or experience economic upset. A move, a sickness - life can change on a dime. When I became fully aware of the precariousness of life as I reached adulthood, it caused me a lot of fear. I had to work through that and realize that there is no way to control life and the things we face in it, and to try to do so only causes tremendous stress and takes the joy out of the life we are trying to preserve. The only things that are worthwhile protections against the ups and downs of life are to grow in that internal strength and outward abilities. If we have a solidness inside and a can do attitude, we can thrive in any circumstance with thankful hearts and come out with good memories.
We are not just building our marriages, homes, and our children's childhoods. We are also continuing for future generations the legacy of women who had the courage to run their households with pride, to exemplify a gentle and quiet spirit, to nurture and serve others above ourselves. So that the vision of home and womanhood not be lost, let's continue every day to grow in our skills and abilities. May our husband's, children, homes, and communities prosper because of it.
Happy Homemaking!